My very well-meaning friends offered to let me use their
six-week-old daughter as a my "date" for Valentine's day so that I
wouldn't spend the night alone… and while a sweet gesture and I do adore their
baby (and was thrilled to witness her birth into the world), this may be
exactly the push I need to start dating again. I hope?
I have been separated/divorced for almost three and a half
years, and haven't even been on one single date. God, that looks worse when it
is written out. Anyway, the problem is that I haven't dated at all since I was 18
years old (and I'm 38 now) and the idea of dating is just so overwhelming. Sincerely
overwhelming.
In the last year or so I've gone so far as setting up some
half-assed profiles on a few dating websites, but when strangers start writing
to me, I always get a little freaked out and then log off. Not that I have any
problem talking to people in real life. My 7-year-old is always calling me out
for talking to strangers. I'm the annoying girl that tells people on the subway
how cute their kid is, how much I like their sneakers or compliments the book
the person on the bus is reading.
I'm social, and have even flirted with a bunch of random
men… but I just am so clueless about how to take the next step. None of them
have asked me out, and I've been too afraid to be the one doing the asking.
Heck, I've had a crush on the waiter at the diner for months and have had a ton
of conversations, but can't even bring myself to give him my number. I live for
ziplining and whitewater rafting, I just ran a marathon, I will fearlessly put
myself into any number of ridiculous physically situations, but yet asking
someone out is the most terrifying thing in the world to me.
Why? Because my brain starts running a mile a minute at the
mere thought of it. What if he has a wife/girlfriend or is gay? What if he
isn't interested in me and was just being polite? What if he is turned off by
the stomach roll that I just can't seem to get rid of? What if he is freaked
out by the fact that I have a kid? What if he's looking for more than just
dating? Etc… etc… I can do this for hours. The scenarios of rejection that I've
concocted for cute diner guy alone are verging on a level of insanity. Most of
those involve what if we date and it is horrible and then I can no longer get
French fries from the best place in town.
And it isn't that I've felt desperate to be with someone. I
have a great life. I love my kid, love my job and love all of the physical
activities I've been doing. Training for Tough Mudder has been a whole new
awesome challenge, and I'm thrilled. But, it would be nice to go to the movies
with someone… instead of sitting at The Hobbit alone on opening night with
theatergoers presuming that the seat next to me was just someone at the snack
bar. Or have someone to go hiking in the woods with so my mom won't panic that
I'm hiking in the woods alone and lost. Or just someone other than my kid or my
extremely patient friends to have a conversation with on occasion. I'm not
looking to meet someone to spend the rest of my life with necessarily, just
someone to hang out with.
I just think it would be easier if it was someone I knew, or
someone a friend knew… or I somehow knew for sure that they at least found me
remotely attractive before I force myself to ask them out. And yet, I'm already
thinking it would be easier to do 10 hours of hot yoga bootcamp… guess I just
need to push myself out of my comfort zone. Here's hoping I can work up my
nerve.
